Yes, You Little Brute!
by Fawks and Naurin
Summary: These two people are slightly insane jedi. The real Caspian not imposter Ben Barnes is tortured with plungers and lacrosse gear. Characters are OC, humor is slap happy, deeper meanings are ignored.
1. Boat in the Bathroon

**REVAMP IN PROCESS. Just goin' back a fixin stuff...you know the usuall. If, you're new to the story, give us a little review?**

**We own not the miraculous works of my hero, C.S. Lewis. **

Max and Jack were having an unusually adventurous day. Max actually brought a lunch to school. Jack choose not to study for a quiz and got a 70. And they both ate cherry pie during Mrs. McNeil's Algebra 2 class. Just before World Religion class, Max sauntered past the pink swinging door of the girls privy that was, consequentially attached to the white walls. As she passed the mirror, her life guarding skills kicked in and she used her peripheral vison, and saw in the mirror, a large body of some stormy looking water and a big boat, as if someone painted a wind-blown lake over the mirror, which is what she thought it was, until her eyes adjusted and saw that the waves were moving. In a fright, she forgot to pee and hurried back to class. In a moment, she was in her desk and 'psting' to Jack, who had a desk on the other side of Louie.

"Jaaaack! _Psssssst_!"

Louie glanced questioningly at Max, who was searching over the top of his tall head for Jack, who tore her nose out of her book and looked over to Max, who was hidden behind Louie, who realized he was not needed, but decided to listen in anyway.

"Jaaaack!" Max tried again and saw Jack's head peek cautiously around the front of Louie. "You _have_ to go to the bathroom!" Here Louie sat up and looked around, trying to appear inconspicuous.

"Here! Now?" said Jack in a bit more than a whisper.

"Quiet Louie!" Mrs. Forsman scolded and continued passing out corrected quizzes.

"Yes _here_. Yes _now_." commanded Max. Of course, here and now meant whenever Mrs. Forsman allowed. So the moments ticked by and Mrs. Forsman split them up in small groups. As luck would have it, Max and Jack were in the same group with Carlie. Max drug Jack into the shiny pink bathroom.

"But, I don't have to toilet!" whined Jack half-heartedly.

"No, Jack, look!" said Max, and pointed to the mirror. But all they saw were themselves, the pink wall and the trash can behind them. "Wait. No! It was here, now it's gone, and now you will never believe me cause it's gone!" cried Max.

"Eh? What's gone, and who took it?" inquired the bewildered Jack.

"I don't know who took it!" exclaimed Max.

"Took what?"

"The boat." Max sighed and pointed at the mirror, as if Jack was supposed to be catching on.

"What kind of boat?"

"I don't know! A nice one!"

"In the toilet?"

"No! In the mirror!" explained Max, exasperated, only to be given a lost look. In complete obfuscation Max groaned, "I'm gonna go pee."

"Okay." said Jack in deep thought as she studied the mirror. It was like any other mirror you would find in the bathroom: hanging on the wall, rectangular, reflective. Nothing special. But as Jack looked harder, she noticed she couldn't see herself in the reflection.

Then, all of a sudden, without any noise, as if in a dream, the walls behind her imploded, and Jack watched in the mirror as dark water poured into the bathroom at an alarming rate. She spun around, expecting to be swept away by rushing torrents, but found only the familiar pink wall and the grey trash can. She spun back towards the mirror and found herself gasping at a wind swept ocean. A salty cold breeze blew into the bathroom, and Jack shivered.

"Maaaaaax?"

"Maaax." she said louder, "your ocean in the mirror is back!"

"Ha. Ha." was all that came from the stall.

"It's true!" Jack said as she leaned through and looked down at the waves and the boat. "Max. That's a ship, not a boat. And–" But that is all she got out, for at that moment, a strong breeze came up from behind her and pushed her. She lost her balance and landed with a splash. No sooner had she come up spluttering, when she heard a shrill whistle that reminded her vaguely of the sound she heard at the pool before being told not to run.

Then she heard a call, "I'll save you!" A large, flailing object just about landed on her head. Max's face broke the surface and she began coughing.

"What are you trying to do, kill me?" cried Jack dramatically.

"I was saving you." replied Max.

"By jumping in the water, so we could both just tread water till we tire, or our legs cramp and we drown, thus cease living?" Jack's voice got louder and higher while saying this.

"Well, I..." max stuttered as she began to see the genus of her plan.

"Gah!" growled Jack. Max gave her a 'Mr. Grumpy Pants" look.

"What do you think we should do?" Max asked.

"You're the Lifeguard! How should I know?"

"Oh, well, for some reason, I don't remember learning how to deal with the 'oh-darn-two-people-are-stranded-in-the-middle-of-the-ocean-that-was-in-a-mirror-in-the-girl's-bathroom' scenario. Huh. That's strange. I know! We should play Marco Polo!" Max suggested.

"No. It's too cold."

"Aw, come on!" Max urged.

"No." Jack shivered.

"Fine." sigh, "You're right, it's pretty chilly." Max said as her teeth began to chatter. As far as they could see, there was water, as you probably expected. It seemed to be a blustery day, so the waves, once in a while, crested.

"Oh, how I wish for my surf board." lamented Max.

"I'd rather have that ship we saw in the mirror." Jack said.

Jack, forever the lucky one of the pair, started to hear voices. Now usually, hearing voices is not a good thing, and can have you locked up in an asylum, but this time, it was, indeed, lucky. It was fortunate because of the location from where the voices where coming. As soon as Jack wished for the strange looking ship, in the mirror, something hit her sharply in the head.

"OW!" She spun around as fast as the water would let her, and screamed hard. Jack had good reason to scream; there was a huge-normous wall of wood, suddenly, two feet behind them that stretched up farther than most people care to crane their necks. What had hit Jack in the head, was a particularly hard coil of thick rope. She screamed non-stop and hard for fifteen seconds before she passed out completely.

Max had nothing to say except, "Oh. My boat." Max often wondered, and never found out if Jack woke up, or said it while she was unconscious, but Jack did say, "ship." Max, did however, know enough to tie the rope around her poor swooned friend, so that the blokes on board could haul her up.

They did, without any regard of her hitting the great wooden wall. When she went over the side, and out of view, the rope came back down and splashed in front of her. But this time, they did not drag her up. They made her climb. I hope you have never seen Max try to climb a rope because if you have, you would know that it is possible to die laughing while watching her. In the end, the men had to pull her up as well. She landed with a hard thump on deck. She looked up and saw a tall young man.

"Who are _you_?" she asked in a ruder tone than she meant.

"Caspian the Tenth, King of Narnia." the boy replied, "and this is my ship."

"Oh? Should I give you a prize or something?"

"Well, uh..." the king stuttered.

"Yo mamma!" yelled Max.

"Who?" Caspian began to look agitated.

"In the face with a safety pin!" finished Max, triumphantly. Caspian had been insulted enough to know that Max's tone was indeed, an insult. Who would dare insult the King of Narnia, he marveled indignantly. He drew his shiny sword and pointed it at the neck of the peculiarly- dressed, prattling girl.

"What do you call yourself, infidel?" He spoke, now, menacingly. Max did not react to the sword, instead, she grinned and bowed.

"The Lord of the Rings." she announced proudly. But then, "HA!" she spastically yelled and pointed toward the sky, making most of the crew and Caspian start in a fright. "NOT SO I LIE!"

Caspian could think of no possible answer to this statement so he lowered his shiny sword and ogled. The crew followed suit. Finally, Caspian espied and remembered the other bizarrely- dressed and unconscious girl. "You there," here he pointed at a random crewman, "take her to my cabin." And here he pointed to Jack.

"And what of the other, milord?" asked an important looking chap in blue.

"Bring her along." command the young King.

"You'll never catch me! Never give up! Never surrender!" squalled Max as she began running off. The unfortunate thing about being on a boat is that there aren't many places to run. Max turned to see a flock of sailors after her, and redoubled her efforts, still looking back. Shortly after, something solid slammed into her, strait on and everything went black.


	2. If Only I Were The Swooning Type

**REVAMPED CHAPTER! **

**Anything you recognize, we do not own. Please remember that this is pure silliness and please remember to review.**

--

Jack roused with a start to discover herself in a small room, lying on a padded bench next to large windows. "Where the flip am I?" she asked the room, as if it would answer. The room answered back.

"In my cabin, on my ship," it announced. Jack sat up rapidly and saw where the voice actually came from. It was a boy sitting at a dark wooden desk. He rose from his seat, and Jack immediately noticed that he was tall, had dark hair, and green eyes, and that he couldn't be much older than herself.

"Your ship?" said Jack. "So you are El Capitan, eh?"

"What? No. I'm CASpian the-" he started, thinking she had mispronounced his name, but Jack cut him off.

"You're not the Captain," she said in a highly disappointed tone.

"No, I'm the King of Narnia," he replied proudly.

"Hmm," she hmmed, not at all daunted.

"May I ask you for your name?" he asked politely.

"Which one?"

"Which one?" repeated Caspian, not quite understanding.

"Yes, I am different things to different people so it only seems right to have different names. But I really don't think I want to actually _give_ you any of them."

"Any of them?" Caspian's brow knit together. He was beginning to see that rescuing these girls wasn't such a prestigious idea after all.

"Yes, I like my names too much to part with, even for a_ king_." Jack sighed. Caspian finally realized what she was getting at, and decided, with waning patience, to try again.

"What shall I call you?" he asked cautiously.

"Oh, well, you can call me Jack,"

"Jack?" his eyes widened in surprise.

"Is there an echo in here? Yes, Jack!" she said impatiently

"Jack is hardly a name for a lady,"

"And Caspian is hardly a name for anyone," Jack shot back. Caspian's breast swelled instinctively with rising rage and bewilderment.

"Oh? And are you qualified to make such a judgment?"

"Yes. I am, dear King, a Jedi Master," she promulgated.

"A what?"

"Doesn't matter," said she, waving her hand to dismiss the idea. Caspian deflated and massaged his temples meticulously, worn out. He slowly brightened when she said, "But, I _would_ like a tour of your fantastic ship."

"Of course, follow me," He led the way, pleased that she was interested in one of his favorite subjects.

The first thing Jack noticed, when she arrived under the blue sky, was how very purple the _only_ sail was. In fact, it almost gave her a headache. It also surprised her that there was only one mast.

"Nice wood work," she commented sarcastically, pointing to the sole mast.

"Thank you." Caspian took it as a compliment. "I had Drinian order it specially from the Lone-"

"It sucks." Jack spelled it out.

"What?" Caspian was mortified.

"Well, where are all the other sails? The masts and the lines?"

"How do you mean?" he looked truly puzzled.

"On _real_ ships you have at least 20 sails, mostly white. There the jib in front, a triangle sail that is over the bow. Behind is the foresail; the mainmast is in the center and the mizzen behind it. On each mast, the mainsail is in the center, or bottom, depending on the spanker, and the topsail is above. The staysail is a triangle sail, connecting the masts. The topgallant staysail connects them at the top. Understand?" Jack grew animated, talking with her hands and pointing to where the sails should be. By this time, Caspian concluded that it would be best not to even try to understand, what could have been a completely different language, of both bizarre girls. Caspian caught the last word and nodded his head as if he really did understand, not wanting to be stood up by Jack. Just then, both noticed a crowd gathering rapidly under the stairs of the poop deck and they went to investigate.

--

Max unfolded her eyes and saw a scruffy-looking chin and neck. They surely hadn't been shaved for a couple of days, at least. The next thing she noticed was that her eyes were blurred and the back of her head was pulsating mercilessly. But what was really rummy was that the background of the chin and neck was purple, a dark, rich purple. Instead of commenting on how unattractive and insensitive the color purple is for a background, she took inventory and was horribly surprised to find that she was being carried. This fact was most alarming of all. She shrieked, straightened out her legs and shoved away from the hairy chin.

The result was not what she was expecting; she hit the floor hard and smacked her face into the biting wood. Her head detonated as she lurched to her feet and started running as fast as wobbly legs could carry her, which was little more than a trot. Unfortunately, she did not see the short flight of steep stairs ahead. She missed the first step and tumbled down the rest. Max landed with a few resounding thumps, once again, face down. This time she didn't get up, she just lay there, eyes tightly shut, catching her breath and trying, for the life of her, to figure out what was going on.

"Miss! Miss! Are you alright?" a male, accented voice asked. She winced; his rapid foot steps were creating the brassiest racket and making her head hammer all the more. Max sat up reluctantly looking around.

"Where the holy heck, and all things Turkish, am I?" She growled at the young man that belonged to the chin. He was rigged out in tan trousers that were to big for him and a white shirt tucked sloppily in. He had short, curly, sandy-blond hair that stood up avidly, a dark face and brown eyes. Reasonably handsome, Max decided, and regretted growling at him. He looked genuinely concerned, but you never know with curly-blonds with brown eyes.

"On Caspian, the Tenth King of Narnia's _Dawn Treader_, captained by Lord Drinian. I didn't mean you harm, miss. I was ordered to take you to the King's quarters but you shouted something and ran straight into the mast."

While this guy was rambling incoherently, Max began to think, but found it hard work. _Who_ is this Caspian? _What _is Narnia? What _is_ a Dawn Treader? Who is _Drinian_? How did I get here? What did I last eat? _How_ could Anakin go to the dark side? Then somebody pushed their way though the crowd of sailors that had gathered around, and it all slammed back into her damaged head. Max leapt up.

"Jack! Jackjackjackjackjackjack! JACK!" Max grabbed Jack in a death grip. The mirror, the boat, the rope, the chase. "You'd never believe, I couldn't remember. You swooned and I tied you up. Then I couldn't climb the rope! A hairy neck!" she prattled. Jack pried herself out of the death grip and grabbed Max by the cheeks and sides of her head.

"Max! SNAP OUT OF IT!" she bellowed and shook her friend. Max shut her mouth, blinked, and look around.

Seeing all the sailors gawking, she snapped, "What are you looking at, MORTALS! Don't you have anything better to do? Go furl a sail or, or catch a chicken or something!" They mumbled some stuff and went back to work.

"Are you quite alright?" Caspian asked, looking at her like she was absolutely bonkers and headed for the asylum. He kind of scooted, inconspicuously, away from Max, not wanting to catch this virus.

"Do I look bloody alright?" roared Max, letting go of Jack completely and turning on Caspian. She stumbled back like drunk. "I'm in a strange country, world, planety- place, and my head hurts like when I got vicks in my eye, but worse, or when I stuck my eye up to that red blinking light at City Market for the peanuts. Remember that Jack? That's when we saw... my Master has blonde hair now." Max was still rambling.

"Uh, oh yeah." nodded Jack, unconvincingly.

"And you know what?" said Max pointing at Jack.

"What?" supplemented Jack, a more than a bit perplexed and worried.

"When did your twin arrive, Jack? Oh." Max laughed, "You don't have a twin."

"Well done, Sherlock." said Jack. "Maybe you should go lay down." Jack elbowed Caspian and he caught on.

"Oh, yes, my cabin, right this way." led Caspian. "Oh Drinian, this lady here," he motioned to Jack, "has some comments about your ship."

"Oh! So now it's _his_ ship! Not _your_ ship," pointed out Jack. Caspian would have been schooled, but everyone was immediately distracted by Max, who was chasing seagulls calling out,

"COME BACK DOOGIES!"

--

**Catchcat: Why thank you, very much! We do try to entertain!**

**Reepicheep: I know...it's terrible, isn't it?**

**Louie: you are good. heh.**

**Vid: Thank you.**

**The freshman: We will try to make it funnier. We will try.**

**Jilyn90: Yes, I liked the sith lord part, also...wait...which part are you taking about?**

**Agent Tomcat: Cohesivly random...I like that. lol.**

**fizzledizzle in the hood of the westside: You are about as random as a fruit cake. **

**Jesse: You are FAR too kind to us. Thanks for your loyalty in revewing!**


	3. Useless? I dare say he is!

**REVAMPED CHAPTER! **

**We do not own anything. Except ourselves. And some funny things. Thank you for revewing!**

**--**

Two uneventful days passed- well no, uneventful for Max, as she slept the entire time, but Jack found these days not so uneventful. She was had a lot of practice at badgering poor Captain Drinian with utterly flummoxing nautical questions that he was unable to answer. Jack also had a knack for snitching food from other sailors who, by chance, looked away for a moment, and lost their share of a breakfast to a grinning red-head. The cook was also fed up with her, for she was skilled in the culinary art, more in fact than the cook was himself. She called people irregular names and asked them to perform irregular tasks.

In fact, one afternoon, she asked the cook to explain his life in a narrative without using the word 'the'. He cocked his eyebrow and said, "Bah." and kept chopping up cabbage. Jack commenced to declare him a 'Poopen' and stomped out to go ask Caspian to put on a puppet show.

"A what?"

"Puppet show. And you can't say the word 'the.'" she got a baffled look from Caspian and Jack yelled, "POOPEN!"

Any way after two "uneventful" days, Max finally awoke to an irritating knocking at the door.

"Leemelone," she grumbled. The knocks came again.

"Eerrrghah!" Max issued a grunting noise as she threw a candle stick at the door, which had previously been sitting on the night stand.

"Are you decent?" came a shrill voice from outside.

"More decent than you! No decent person comes knocking on a poor soul's door to wake her up at un-forcely hours!"

"It is time for luncheon," that small-sounding harbinger announced.

"The King and Lady Jack have sent for you. You are to attend a meeting for the duration of mid meal. If you do not show yourself, I will come in at once."

"I'M NAKED!" lied Max.

"I think you're bluffing."

"It's possible pig!" she announced. "It's conceivable, you vomitous mass!"

There was a pause then the door opened. Max blinked in the sudden daylight to see, there, on the threshold, Max's worst night mare from her darkest of her most unnaturally scary dreams: A GIANT MOUSE. There was a pause of terror and then Max, without a sound, jumped out from under the sheets, sprinted out the only escape, the doorway, hurtled over the rodent, and fled for her life. She grabbed the first sailor she could find, by the collar, trying to look menacing, which did not work because she was a bit too short.

"Where's the grub-hall!" demanded she.

"Pardon?" he looked amused and surprised.

"Grub-eat-food. Where do I go to eat!" she looked wildly around to see if the rodent was anywhere near.

"Ah, the galley? Down the stairs to the left of the hammocks, miss." She ran faster than when she was forced to run in the track meet in elementary school. She scrambled down the ladder and slammed the oak door open. Upon seeing Jack and a few insignificant others in the small room, she ran to an unoccupied seat next to her friend. All eyes were on her.

"Proceed." she commanded in the deepest and most commanding voice she could conjure up. Caspian complied and started gassing on about, actually, Max didn't even know what he was talking about. The insignificant others included Captain Drinian, some Lords, a few important-looking fellows and officers. The rodent did not come, and Max began to wonder if she had made it up in her head.

"Jack. Pssssst! There are R.O.U.S.s here!" Lord Drinian overheard and interrupted Caspian's long-winded speech.

"Rodents of unusual size?" said he. "I don't believe they exist."

Just then, the door burst open again, and that awful night mareish R.O.U.S. announced, "My Lord," and bowed very low and swished his tail. Max yelled and jumped up on the table, knocking off a few dishes and getting a few complaints. Jack, however, squealed and clapped, very impressed.

"Bravo! Bravo! Well, done, Caspian, you've outdone yourself this time! He's SO cute! I love it when he does that! Here," she got up and pulled out a piece of cheese and gave it to a very peeved-looking Reepicheep, for that is who it really was. Reepicheep took the cheese and hit Max in the forehead with it. He gracefully scrambled to a chair and perched, as mice tend to do. Jack pulled Max off the tabled and every one sat down again.

Caspian continued as if nothing had happened. "As I was saying..." After that, Max lost him and contented herself with carving her name into the wooden table. After a bit, Jack nudged her and she looked up. Every one was looking at her and she was vaguely reminded of the times with she wasn't paying attention in class and the teacher called on her and asked a question...

"Yes." Max said hoping that was the answer to the question she apparently missed.

Caspian blinked and repeated himself. "Why and how have you come to be in the middle of the ocean?"

"That is the secret of secrets!" whispered Jack slowly and mysteriously.

"Excuse me?" said Caspian.

"No, Jack, we-" began Max but was tackled to the floor by none other than Jack.

"Why'd you do that!" cried Max, but only mumbling was heard because her mouth was covered.

"Shhh," hissed Jack into Max's ear and she jerked her hand off Max's mouth for, at that moment, Max licked her hand.

"Blast your football/rugby skills." said Max, still pinned down.

"You licked me!" Jack cried in disgust.

"Yeah. I did."

"Arggg! My hand is wet and slimy." said Jack as she wiped it on Max's face.

"Ewey, I don't want it!" protested Max.

"It's yours!" squeaked Jack.

This whole time they were being stared at by everyone in the room. When Max realized this, she coughed. "So, what's for lunch?" The two girls struggled to their feet, righted their seats, and sat down again.

"So, um" coughed Caspian, "Who _exactly_ are you?"

"Well, I am the most wanted man on my island," started Jack in an Irish accent. "But I'm not on my Island, and I'm not a man, more's the pity."

"Ireland?" supplied Max.

"Yes. It's mine." Jack did a perfect impression of Stephen the Irishman. "But really, I am Captain Jack Aubrey of the HMS Surprise." Unfortunately, at that moment Max was drinking whatever was in front of her and it began pouring out of her nose. It is things like this that make Max and Jack laugh so hard that there is this dead silence while they are trying to breathe and tears are streaming down their faces. During this time Caspian was whispering to Drinian.

"I find them to be a bit tedious."

"Indeed." replied Drinian.

As soon as they quit laughing, Max cried, "And I'm the Queen of the Netherlands!"

--

"MAN OVER BOARD!" called man from on deck. Everyone jumped up at once except Max and Jack who were grinning because they knew who was overboard. It was Eustace and the Pevensies. But more importantly: Eustace.

Up on deck there was a whole bunch of blokes crowded around the port side of the ship. They all rushed to the edge to see who was in the water. Jack pulled Max aside to get a better look.

"Hey!" yelled Max. "Jaaaack, I am tired of you pushing me around!" Max shoved Jack back. Hard. As fate would have it, Caspian just happened to be in front of Jack, peering at the "man" overboard when Max shoved Jack as hard as she could. Jack stumbled into Caspian and Caspian tumbled overboard. There was a resounding, "NOOOOO!" as everyone on board saw their king disappear into the waves. Caspian emerged and immediately glared at the two grinning girls.

"Oops." said Jack.

"Yeah, oops, or whoops as Louie said when he was playing Pictionary in Spanish."

Since Caspian was already in the waster he swam over to help the drowning figures. He pried Eustace off Lucy and helped tie the rope around the children. When they were all safe on board, Caspian finally recognized the Pevensies, but not, of course, Eustace. They all clasped hands, smiling.

Eustace stood there, on deck, extremely wet and frightened.

Jack and Max both squealed, "Useless! EEEE!" Jack used her good rugby skills and tackled him in a bear-hug, and Max put to good use her life guarding skills to help him back up and hug him all the more. There are not morally justified words for the look on Eustace's face at this point, except he might have been at bit pleased at all the attention and a bit annoyed at the over all situation.

His position shifted and he cried, "Let me go! Let me go back!" and tried to pry himself out of the grasp of Max, who did not relent.

"Let you go?" said Caspian. "But where?" Eustace ran to the ship's edge and looked into the sky as if he would be able to see the picture frame from which he came.

Lord Rynelf cleared his throat into his hand, and stooped down to Caspian's height, which wasn't that short. Man, thought Max, Rynelf is tall. "I believe he must be directing the statement, 'Let me go' to Miss Max, who is nearly suffoCADing the poor boy."

"No!" protested Jack**. "**He obviously means he wants to be let go of a relationship that he is not enjoying. Did you here that?" Jack tuned to Max. "He wants. To break. It off." Max did no such thing.

"Of course not, silly!" exclaimed Lucy. "The only thing he could be intending to say, is that he wants to go back to Aunt Alberta and Uncle Herold's; back where he can look at bugs pinned to cardboard. Right Eustace?" confirmed Lucy.

But Eustace wasn't listening. He had gone to puke over the boat, ship, thing.

--

**AgentRusco: You are the best!**

**Queen Peter: Um, isn't peter a boy...? Anyway...yes it is quite rough around the edges. It's like...toast. Just peel the edges off and it tastes pretty good, right?**

**Wally: Dying is not allowed. lol.**

**Samantha: yes, I love starwars too. Did you notice?**

**Jerilynn: Why, thank you, friend.**

**Louie: you are good.**

**Vid: I also like that I don't have a twin.**

**Capella85: You are very generous! **

**fizzle dizzle in the hood of the west side: Creepy men are not allowed.**

**Jesse: Yes, I agree it's pretty boring now...huh.**


	4. A High Pitched Sort Of Giggle

**REVAMPED CHAPTER!**

**Nothing belongs to us. Except for some things.**

**--**

Not even Caspian was listening in on the debate; he was ordering spiced wine for himself and the Pevensies. The wine made Eustace retch, again. Jack had a better idea than wine; she ran frantically around the ship.

"Mr. Stubbly!" she yelled. Some of the sailors looked around very confused, but they were used to this kind of behavior from Jack and Max. She obviously didn't find Mr. Stubbly so she ran to the bow and scrambled to the galley.

Eustace recovered from puking the second time started rambling on about vitaminized food and fat kids made to do exercises. He stopped mid-sentence to yell:

"Oh ugh! What on earth is THAT? Take it away, the horrid thing."

They followed Eustace's gaze and Max screamed louder than Eustace, and that's saying something. Max's riot caused Lucy to squall for no apparent reason. The three screeched till Edmund slapped his hand on Lucy's mouth, and Caspian grabbed Max and Eustace in head locks.

Jack popped her head out of the galley, and yelled, "AHA! Magic beans and spider horses! I found it." She held up a suspicious can that was commonly used to hold tar. She was grinning from ear to ear as she made her way to Eustace, "Here Useless, have a go at this stuff!" She un-popped the cork and handed it to Eustace.

He took it gratefully and chugged the contents. Well as much as it took to taste it. Then he started to blow it out of his nose, coughing like General Grievous and puking again. A few of the sailors started chuckling as they knew what the 'stuff' really was.

"Good stuff, eh?" Jack patted/slapped Eustace on the back, "Mr. Stubbly makes it. It's good for two things: de-greasing engines, and killing brain cells." Jack reported.

Edmund and Lucy sneezed at exactly the same time.

"TARTUFFLE!" yelled Max, "Lucy, perhaps you should give Useless here some of your cordial," she suggested. Lucy did.

"We have no women's clothing, but I can lend you mine," offered Caspian, later. Lucy did.

"Come have a tour of my grand ship," suggested Caspian, much later. They did.

"Let's admire how BIG this Narnian craft is!" exclaimed Jack sarcastically. Everyone did... not.

"What a poopy little boat." admired Eustace. Lucy, Max and Jack nodded their heads in agreement. Edmund gave Lucy a dirty look.

Just then, the bell rang for First Dog Watch (4:00-8:00 pm) and all the sailors sprang to life, some going to bed, others coming from their hammocks below deck. Through all the commotion, Reepicheep flew past Edmund's head and into Max who jumped back, "Gettedoff, Gettedoff, Gettedoff!"

Reepicheep sprang up and started after Eustace in a mad dash. It was splendidly amusing to watch an enraged mouse of unusual size chase a howling Eustace with a tiny rapier. Maybe even more amusing than seeing Max put Vicks Vapor Rub in her eye, but I can't decide which is funnier.

"Fiend! Foe! Insolent brat! Take that!" and here he reached Eustace and thwaped him. "To teach you manners! And respect! Due to a Knight! And Mouse-A mouse's tail!" And with every exclamation came a series of blows rained down upon Eustace's popo, (popo: 1 the hind part of the body of a mammal or the lower back of a bird. 2. a person's buttocks. -ORIGIN probably Scandinavian.)

Finally, Caspian, who was stooped over, clutching his knees, stopped laughing enough to look up and sputter out, "St-Stop! Oh, haha, stop, Reepicheep. Stopit!" Reepicheep obeyed reluctantly.

"Yes, you little brute!" cried Eustace. "I insist on it being kept under control! I could bring in action against you, Caspian! I can order you to have it demolished."

"Demolished!" yelled Reepicheep

"Now, now, let's not get carried away" laughed Caspian, still giddy with mirth. Then, calming down a bit, "We have time-honored traditions for this sort of thing: a duel."

"A duel!" shouted Max and Jack, profoundly cheerful and eager.

"A duel." Eustace looked stark distraught.

"I can lend you a sword, Eustace," volunteered Caspian.

"But I don't want a sword! I'm a pacifist! I don't believe in fighting!"

"Do I understand you do not intend to give me satisfaction?" demanded Reepicheep, pointing a finger at him. A paw. A small part of his paw that resembled a finger. Well, if Reepicheep had one, he would have pointed it at Eustace here.

"I don't know what you mean! If you don't know how to take a joke, I shan't bother my head about you!" responded Eustace.

"You refuse to duel?" piped an incredulous Reepicheep.

"If I haven't made that clear, I don't know what will. This is not fair!"

"You're right." Drinian pointed out. "We definitely would have to handicap Reepicheep."

"The only way out is to apologize," chimed in Lucy. Eustace folded his arms in response, glowering at Reepicheep.

"All-RIGHT!" Max and Jack exchanged high-fives. "A duel it is!"

"Wait! No. I...I'm sorry." Eustace spat it out, not at all looking like he was really sorry.

"Will that suffice, Reapicheep?" asked Caspian.

"For the moment," replied Reepicheep, sheathing his mini-rapier.

Max and Jack's faces fell. "No duel then," Max said with a huge-mongus sigh. "Perhaps I should pull someone's tail so that I could duel."

Caspian gave a nervous laugh and pulled the conversation away from the preposterous young lady. "We can talk about this later, but for now, I thought I heard the dinner horn."

"We don't have a dinner horn," said Drinian, "It's a bell."

Caspian let off another burst of nervous chuckling, a high-pitched sort of giggle.

--

**AgentRusco, Wally, Samantha, Jerrilynn, Louie, Vid, Jesse: THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING!!**


	5. The Owl and The Pussycat

**We own not the miraculous works of my hero, C.S. Lewis. Nor the stuff from The Owl And The Pussycat**, **The Lord of the Rings,** **The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, The Importance of Being Ernest, and** **Star Wars. See the exceedingly long note at the end of the chapter.**

Just then the dinner bell rang, proving Drinian's point and breaking the rummy and embarrassing silence. "Wow. I'm hungry." And with that, Jack inconspicuously ambled toward the ship's galley. Dinner, anywho, was a splendid affair of white wine, pork, and many cheers. Caspian was at the head of the table with Drinian and King Edmund on his right and left. Next to Drinian were a couple of Lords, Jack and then Max. Across from Drinian, and next to Edmund sat Queen Lucy and then Eustace, Reepicheep and one more, the Sailing Master.

"And where are we heading?" asked Edmund.

"Well," said Caspian, "that's a rather long story. Perhaps you remember that when I was a child my unsurping uncle Miraz got rid of seven friends of my father's by sending them off to explore the unknown Eastern Seas beyond the Lone Islands."

"Yes." said Lucy, "and none of them ever came back."

"Right. Well, on my coronation day, with Aslan's approval, I swore an oath that, if once I established peace in Narnia, I would sail east myself for a year and a day to find--"

"But why a year and a day?" Interrupted Jack. "I mean, where'd the one extra day come from!"

"It's like the Owl and the Pussycat." provided Max. "'They sailed away for a year and a day in a beautiful Pea-Green Boat.'" Max quoted and sighed dreamily with her head in her hands.

"EW!" cried Jack. "Pee-Green? Seriously, spare us the graphics!" Max rolled her eyes and Caspian sighed at being interrupted.

"Anyway," continued Caspian, " I swore to find my father's friends or to learn of their deaths and avenge them if I could. These were their names- the Lord Revilian, the Lord Bern, the Lord Argoz, the Lord Mavramorn, the Lord Octesian, the Lord Restimar, and - oh, that other one who's so hard to remember."

"The Lord Rhoop, Sire." Drinian, Max and Jack all said at once. Max sniggered.

"Always wanted to say that." she sniggered again.

"Rhoop, Rhoop, of course," said Caspian. "That is my main intention. But Reepicheep here has an even higher hope." Everyone's eyes turned to the Mouse.

"As high as my spirit, " he said. "Thought perhaps as small as my stature. Why should we not come to the very eastern end of the world? And what might we find there? I expect to find Aslan's own country. It is always from the east, across the sea, that the great Lion comes to us."

"I say, that _is_ an idea," remarked Edmund in an awed voice.

"Yes, and here are some ideas too:" put in Max, "Do Balrogs have wings? What happened to Maglor? Are dragons Maia? Were orcs created of elves or men? Is Celeborn Sindarin or Teleri? How old is Legolas and WHO was his mother?" Jack snorted into her cup, but otherwise, Max was ignored.

"But do you think Aslan's country would be that sort of country - I mean, the sort you could ever sail to?" asked Lucy.

"I do not know, Madam," replied Reepicheep. "But there is this. When I was in my cradle, a wood woman, a Dryad, spoke this verse over me:

Where sky and water meet,

Where the waves grow sweet,

Doubt not, Reepicheep,

To find all the seek,

There is the utter east.

"I do not know what it means. But the spell of it has been on me all my life."

After a short silence Lucy asked, "And what of these two?" Here she pointed at Jack and Max. Everyone stopped what they were doing. Drinian, who was about to take another bite, slowly put down his fork and glanced at Caspian. Caspian returned the glance, put his elbows on the table, (much to the dismay of Jack) and folded his arms, leaning on the table importantly. Jack and Max started to look very uncomfortable.

"Well," started Caspian cautiously, looking at the girls. Everyone could see he was choosing his words carefully, not to tread on dangerous ground. "No completely accurate information has arisen yet, of the origin of these two. But we found them drifting haphazardly in the middle of the ocean, between The Seven Isles and our current position, which is a day and a half from the Lone Islands." Here Caspian stopped and looked very hard at the girls who were avoiding his gaze.

"It's a lengthy wearisome account," said Jack, after a short pause. "But fundamentally, we are from your world," she looked at Lucy and Edmund. "And we are uh...writing a book...that will have... stuff in it...and…"

"We are compiling versatile bits of information on tramping around in other worlds," supported Max enthusiastically. "Yeah! And it's called The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy." Jack had to bite the insides of her cheeks to keep from erupting in laughter. She concealed a giggle with a staged sneeze.

"God bless you," blessed Max, looking truly concerned. "Perhaps you should go lie down. It would be frightful to catch cold while composing a book. It entirely puts a damper on one's writing panache, does it not?"

"Oh I'll be fine," replied Jack, waving away the sneeze.

"So you've been to other worlds-I mean, besides this one?" inquired Lucy.

"Oh, yeah. Loads of times." Jack nodded a few times to emphasize the validity of this statement. "Yes. And we have learned, in all our travels, the most essential lesson-- the vital importance of being Ernest." It was Max's turn to try very hard not to laugh.

"Here, here!" Chimed the sailing master, moved by Jack's brisk but impressive speech. "To the importance of being earnest!" He lifted his wine glass, and everyone followed suit and echoed, "The importance of being earnest!" and downed a mouthful of wine. Max and Jack both exhaled a sigh of relief as the topic changed to what had happened so far on the Dawn Treader.

"That was close," muttered Max to Jack.

"Too close," replied Jack, who caught Eustace staring at them as if he didn't believe a word they said. She grinned at him, raised her glass, nodded, and took another swig.

"I still want a duel," sighed Max.

"Don't be silly." Jack began laughing, which interrupted Caspian telling about the tournament in Galma.

"But I do!" protested Max.

"But you wouldn't want to kill anyone," pointed out Jack.

"Well, that's what the flat of a sword it for!" Max got a little bit louder, which made Caspian raise his voice. The Lord and the sailing master who were sitting on both sides of Jack and Max, were appalled at the thought of these mere girls actually beating each other up with the flats of swords.

Nonetheless the Lord offered, "I am sure Caspian wouldn't mind having a duel at sunrise. You could borrow swords."

"Sunrise?" cried Max as she and Jack burst into laughter, which made Caspian get even louder with his speech.

"No good duel is done in the light," explained Jack between laughter, "It's better in pitch black, or blindfolded."

"With all kinds of things strewn on the floor," put in Max.

"Without seeing?" asked Eustace, who was more interested in a sword fight than the pirate ship the Dawn Treader encountered. "Can you do that?"

"What kind of Master would I be if I couldn't! What kind of Jedi?" ranted Jack as though everyone should know.

"Jedi?" asked the Lord.

"Yes Jedi. You know lightsaber, brown robes, Yoda, the force, the whole shebang," explained Max, who was met with blank looks.

"Apparently they are clueless," whispered Jack.

"Jedi. You know. We protect the galaxy from uber baddies." More blank stares. This conversation died, the girls decided, and so they continued eating. Caspian had raised his voice to an all-time high, almost a shout, while talking about Redhaven. Reepicheep had to plug his ears and Caspian didn't notice that he was the only one talking and that there wasn't any reason to shout.

He said, "The sum is now nearly thirty days at sea and we have sailed more than four hundred leagues from Narnia!" then it got very quiet, Caspian looked around and blushed.

**A/N: Yes, I know, not as entertaining, but the next chapter will be grand, hopefully. Holy Mother of Legolas and all things Orcish! Dude. We thank you all so much for reviewing! This chapter is DEDICATED to Max's Jedi Master, Rusco, better known as AgentRuscoBombadillo ( http/ ) for editing. Check out her stupendously funny and random crossover Great Scot!**

**Catchcat : Aw. Thanks. I know, I love random humor! You should read Cristi The Banjo Picking One Eyed Dog's fridden HEElarious storys, It Had to Be Done, and Cripes! Not Again!**

**Reepicheep: What is awful? My breath? Well, that's because I just ate garlic toast. heheh. **

**AgentRuscoBombadillo: You, my Master, are a wonderful person. For leaving CONSTRUCTIVE reviews and for editing endlessly. Well, not endlessly. Amazing. Simply Amazing. So Amazingly Amazing that I just might have to hijack you. Just like I did to Glorfie. Only this time I will feed you and not leave you under my bed.**

**Jack: I love you. That's it. Keep writing and DON'T loose your muse. I will have Gandalf hunt you down and torture the story out of you. J/k. Or am I?**

**Queen Peter: Hey, thank you! And I did smooth out those rough edges, with the help of Rusco, my lovely Master.**

**Sarah: HARRY! Thanks. Really. But it was just a TINY tiny reference to Lord of the Rings. I still don't understand why you hate it so much, but ACH. Keep up the kickboxing/wrestling class. wink**

**Wally: Well, I am sure Jack loves you too, older sister of Jack? Hmm. Thanks for alla reviews. You are right, Tara is absolutely mad as a bicycle (in a good NZish way). heheh.**

**Samantha: Your reviews are much appreciated! "I always thought Caspian was blonde... and Drinian was dark... Doesn't matter, each is a babe." snort AHHAHAHA! That is pretty-much-amazing.**

**NEXT UP: A DUEL! And the Lone Islands!**


	6. Of Splinters and Eustace

**We own not the miraculous works of my hero, C.S. Lewis. Nor Star Wars, Princess Bride or old British gentlemen. Bravo to Rusco, our editor! Oh, you know what, we forgot to tell you "Mr. Stubbly's" real name. It's Quin. Quin Mr. Stubbly. This chapter is dedicated to...Louie the farmer! Cause he's cool. Yup. **

The day broke with a magnificent sunrise and a faint, but urgent call of "Land in sight!" from the crow's nest. It had been a full day since the Pevensies boarded the Down Treader. Lucy and Edmund were clearly enjoying themselves immensely, but Eustace was seasick and miserable.

He whined at every opportunity and indisputably annoyed Caspian more than either Jack or Max ever could, which is saying something. Eustace had always been their champion, but he grew even more so in just one day. He had an impeccable way of twisting anything pleasurable into a nuisance to most, and a real frolic for Jack and Max.

For example, just as a beautiful sunrise embellished the grey skies of early morning, he tripped coming up stairs and got a splinter. "OWWW!" He howled and looked at his middle finger. He wailed again and stuck it in his mouth, whimpering and looking around for the nearest listener. The most unfortunate soul happened to be Captain Drinian, who was standing at the prow with a glass at his eye. He had been admiring the first light, testing the wind, and gazing at the far-off land-form of the Lone Islands.

Drinian heard footsteps and turned around to greet whoever it was with a "Good Morning." For a good morning, it was. Then he saw Eustace. A muscle twitched in his left eye, and his blood pressure rose significantly.

"Drinian!" Eustace ripped his finger out of his mouth and stuck it in Drinian's face. "Look what _your_ ship did to _my_ finger!" Drinian didn't even glance at it.

"Mm. That _is_ unfortunate, isn't it?" He droned.

"Unfortunate! Unfortunate? Unfortunate my-" Eustace began to bellow but was cut off as someone snatched his finger out of thin air.

Max and Jack had heard the call of 'land in sight' and came running to see the Lone Islands. Instead they noticed that Eustace was sticking his finger in Drinian's face and generally being irritating. They smiled at each other; Jack and Max had never been known to give up a chance to vex someone. They quickly figured out, generally, what was going on as they scurried up to Eustace. Max snaffled his finger first.

"That's horrible! Oh how can you bear it!" She proclaimed, clutching the wounded finger to herself.

"I...I...I, ah," Eustace stuttered, trying to jerk his finger back, to no avail.

"Oh, let me see!" Jack snatched it from Max and inspected the red finger with deep concern. "Come with us." She commanded. Jack kept hold of his finger as she started to drag him to Caspian's cabin.

"But," he faltered.

"No buts, my inarticulate, poor soul," Max said. Inside Caspian's cabin, Jack sat him down on a small wooden chair, still holding his finger. She smelt it, made a thoughtful face for a couple moments, and then set it down on a desk nearby. Funnily enough, Eustace sat there, perfectly still, with his finger roosting on the desk. Jack turned around and she and Max had a short whispered conversation. Max turned towards Eustace with a sad, pitying look.

"Eustace, I'm afraid your finger has to go."

"What?" He didn't look like he believed them.

"Your finger has to go," she repeated herself. "I am afraid that gangrene has settled into the splinter and has moved up into your finger. Soon it will be up your arm. There's nothing for it." As she said this, Eustace's face, slowly but deliberately, turned from complete disbelief to shock and panic. His eyes bulged and his chin dropped. There was a pause and then Max and Jack burst into uproarious gales of laughter. Eustace started to scowl; he had never enjoyed being the butt of a joke. Jack clapped him on the back hardily.

"Oh, lighten UP, me lad!" Soon the laughter died away, but the grins didn't. Max pulled up a chair and sat down in front of him and whipped out some tweezers. The splinter was a tiny sliver of wood, but deep and evasive, and when Max got too rough, Eustace would yank his hand to himself and put up a big whinge.

"Eustace Clarence Scrubb! You are the most awful patient I've ever had!" Max rebuked after the fifth of theses episodes. Then she added, under her breath, "I wish you could just use the force to heal yourself."

"What was that?" Eustace reluctantly gave his hand back. "Why do you keep gassing on about a force?"

"Well," started Jack, then proceeded to explain what midichlorians are and what the Jedi do, and who Yoda's mother was, and most importantly, how the force works. Eustace got very excited and asked a lot of questions, which would annoy Max a great deal because he would wave his hands around while talking, just like one of their teachers who they used to copy and make fun of. The splinter was finally extricated, and Max whipped out the bandages. She wrapped up not only his middle finger, but his hand and, indeed, his entire arm. She was about to make a sling when Eustace asked Jack if she would demonstrate the force.

Jack obliged; she tapped into the force and drew the said bandages to herself. Max scowled at being interrupted again, and just before the bandages reached Jack, Max started to draw them back; it was a full-fledged battle now. The bandage hovered in the air, inches from Jack's hand. Just then Jack jumped to her feet.

"Oh hello Quin!" She greeted. Max immediately shot to her feet and turned to the door, expecting to see the tall, curly-haired boatswain. But, alas, when she turned, she saw only a closed door. Max spun around and glowered at Jack who held up the bandages and smiled. "Oops. I was mistaken." Jack strolled past Max and opened the door. "You know, I think I am going to have breakfast." She walked out the door and began laughing. "Max and Quin! How funny!" Jack felt something tell her to duck. So she did and just in time for a medium-sized identified object to fly past her head. I say identified because Jack identified it as the very same candlestick that Max threw at Reepicheep not long ago.

Max came out of the captain's cabin, flipping and doing her awesome Jedi moves. When she landed in front of Jack, Jack began laughing. "Don't be silly." Max ignored her and put out her hand and a sword flew into it. She went at Jack just to hit her with the flat, but as Max brought it down, a sword flew into Jack's hand and she blocked Max's attempt.

"That was purdy cool," said Max.

"Thank you," Jack took the complement just in time to block another blow. Max drove her out to the deck with a series of thunderous blows. But soon she was thinking, _Man. Swords are heavy! _And her arms began to ache. As soon as they reached the deck, Jack used a force-push to throw Max off the edge of the ship. Max's eyes widened in surprise and she dropped the sword, then she gained control of herself and put out her arms to stop. There she hovered over the water. It was as if time stopped. Jack and Max looked around at the astonished faces of those who saw.

"Well done, Padawan of Rusco," congratulated Jack. Max beamed and then flipped back to the deck, drawing the sword to her hand as she went. When Max landed, Jack was upon her in a furious attack. Max retreated, loosening up her wrist. Jack took the opportunity to follow suit.

She had Max backed up to the bow of the ship, but Max didn't look too worried. In fact, she smiled. "I have a confession to make," Max said as Jack rolled her eyes, "I am not left-handed!" Max exclaimed as she threw the sword into the air and caught it with the other hand. They fought on, scattering sailors who were trying to mind their duties, follow the fight, and stay out of the way simultaneously.

"Why Quin?" asked Jack.

"Oh, I dunno. Curly hair, or tall maybe," replied Max nonchalantly. Jack decided to end it. She force-pushed her friend back so that Max was sitting down, while twirling Max's sword up the air and catching it. Jack pulled an Anakin-on-Dooku and crossed the two swords at Max's neck.

"You're dead." Jack announced.

"You threw off my groove!"

Quin and Edmund stepped out of the galley to see Max fly back and Jack stand over her, swords crossed at her neck. Jack said something, and Max answered. Edmund couldn't hear, but it didn't look good. He and Quin took one look at each other then ran over. Edmund grabbed Jack.

"Now, Now. I'm sure whatever she did isn't bad enough to kill her!" Ed soothed.

"But I wasn't killing her, I was dueling with her! Put me DOWN!" Jack squirmed, trying to get her elbows into his side.

"No use trying to argue, young lady. I know you'll both make up soon. Let's not do any thing that we might regret later, eh?" Edmund started to sound more and more like one of those old British gentlemen that talked their wives into having a spot of tea. Jack started to snicker at the thought, and pretty soon she was wheezing and yakking and cackling uncontrollably. Ed tried to scowl, but started chuckling, himself. Soon after, even though only Jack knew what was so funny, Quin and Max had joined in and they were all wiping tears of mirth from their eyes.

**Thanks for Reviewing! (That means you too, Louie)**


	7. A Shiny Groove

**We own not the miraculous works of my hero, C.S. Lewis. Nor Star Wars, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events,** **The awesome "Malfunction" quote from our teacher, Mr. Pullings**, **or ** **Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy.** **Brownies to Rusco! This Chapter isn't as funny as when we first wrote it, long ago, I dunno why. But, we have to get through the Lone Islands, right? We love you Sam!**

"You barbarians!" Max shrieked as she raced after the men. "I'll sue you for every penny you've got! I'll have you hung, drawn, tarred, feathered! And whipped! And boiled...until...until...until you've had enough!" All the worry and surprise Caspian had a moment ago, vanished into botheration and entertainment. He just folded his arms and sat back watching the scene unfold.

"And then I'll do it again!" she squalled. "And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will _jump _on them!" She stopped running to demonstrate the jumping part. The men ignored her and kept walking.

"And I will carry on jumping on them," yelled Max, continuing the chase, "until I get blisters, or until I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do, and then..." She tripped, and fell headlong, rolled and landed flat on her back. Caspian scurried over to her with a small smile of amusement. As soon as she saw Caspian, she forgot the men and grinned, grabbing his arm and pulling herself up with a huff. "THERE you are! Where have you been! I've been looking ALL over for you! I can't believe you'd just disappear like that!" She grabbed him by the sides of his head and shook him as she said this. Caspian could do nothing but gape. Where had _he_ been? _He_! No, no. The real question was where had _she_ been.

When they had reached Felimath, Eustace, Caspian, Lucy, Edmund, Reepicheep, Jack, and Max had decided to walk across and meet the ship on the other side. There they were enjoying themselves, strolling through long grass, stretching their legs, and observing the fluffy, white baa-ing farm animals when the group noticed that both Jack and Max had vanished. Caspian thought it was a bit suspicious, but they had to meet the ship before the tide was out. Shortly they were captured by slavers, and before long Caspian was sold to a bearded man who, wonder of wonders had turned out to be one of the lords they were looking for, Lord Bern. They had come through a tiny town to get to the ship and just a couple of minutes ago, he had seen a couple of lanky men saunter out of the pub, and then a second later an unmistakable Max stumbled out of the doors shouting and chasing the men down the road. He quickly caught up with her, but she kept running after the men. Caspian followed with mixed emotions of astonishment and worry, trying to understand what she was shouting. And now she was just standing there and shaking him, as if all this was _his_ fault.

"Where have _I_ been! What could you _possibly_ mean by that! You were the one who disappeared _right_ before we were kidnapped!" He cried. Lord Bern looked amused. But not in a normal way. He was grinning like a lunatic, waggling his eyebrows, and winking at Caspian in a disturbing manner. Max looked annoyed.

"What's YOUR malfunction?" she demanded in an ill-mannered tone. Lord Bern wiped the smile off his face and coughed into his hand.

"Where's Jack?" Caspian throttled the embarrassing hush by changing the conversation.

"This way." Max waved towards the beach. As they walked, Caspian pointed out that Max hadn't answered his question yet.

"So we were just walking along, yeah? And then this giant fluffy, white, baa-ing farm animal abducted us, and we were like, AH! And it took us to the pub and made us drink, like, this nasty concoction, yeah? And then Jack escaped, you see? But I didn't, and I was all, DUDE-MAN-BRO! I ain't down with that! But she was all, Talk to the hand, and she LEFT me there with the giant fluffy, white, baa-ing farm animal to fend for myself! Then these two rangy men STOLE my Kit Fisto action figure and said they were gonna burn it! And I was all, NOOOOO! And that's where you found me." Max said this all too quickly for Caspian or Bern to take in, but they could tell she was lying through her teeth.

What had really happened was that Max and Jack had remembered, just in the nick of time, that the party was going to get kidnapped. So they hurried off to find the pub. There they had joined in a game of Texas Hold 'em. Jack folded on the second round and went to see if the ship was here yet. The men they were playing with cheated and won. Max was furious, and that, reader, is how she came to be running down the street, chasing two gangly men.

When they found Jack, she was standing on the beach next to a row boat taking to Quin. They boarded the Dawn Treader and went to Lord Bern's bachelor pad. While they were there, everyone ate and, much to Max, Lucy and Jack's pleasure, they got Narnian clothes.

The Next morning the Lord Bern called his guests early and after and breakfast he asked Caspian to order every man he had into full armor. "And above all," he added, "let everything be as trim and scoured as if it were the morning of the first battle of a great war between noble kings with all the world looking on." This was done and then, in three boat loads, Caspian and his people, and Bern with a few of his, put out for Narrowhaven.

Jack and Max were also dressed elaborately in long, full Narnian dresses. It was so early in the morning that Jack and Max sat down against the side of the ship, out of the way, and fell back asleep.

Max awoke to find herself slumped forward on top of Jack, who was sleeping contentedly in her lap.

"Oh, good. You're awake," said Quin, who was towering over her. "We're about to land." He continued, crouching down to her level. "Better wake her."

"Jack," max shook her a bit.

Jack groaned and without opening her eyes mumbled, "Is someone dead or dying?"

"No," answered Max.

"Then, Orin, shut up and go back to bed."

Max suppressed a laugh.

"Who is Orin?" asked Quin.

"Her Padawan," Max replied.

"Her what?"

"Her Padawan, her apprentice guy. Yeah, he's your age, or so," she explained. "I've an idea." Max bent down to Jack's ear. "Master! A Sith lord!"

In a blink of an eye, Jack kicked Quin's feet out from under him and had a knife to his neck. She blinked. "Oh." She looked around, unaware of her surroundings, saw Max, and scowled. "Hello Quin." She greeted as she slipped the knife unto its hiding place. Jack let Quin stand up and dust himself off. "Well, you look," Jack looked around, trying to find inspiration from the deck. "Shiny." She concluded, eyeballing his chain mail.

"Thank you, I think," he replied, watching her warily.

On shore, there was a pretty big crowd assembled to meet then, and as soon as Caspian stepped ashore the crowd broke out in to huzzahs and shouts of "Narnia! Narnia! Long live the King!" Bells began ringing and Caspian blew his horn so that everyman dressed up, drew his sword. Jack and Max pulled out their borrowed swords and made their way to the front of the procession and walked on either side of Caspian to be body-guardish. The crowd grew rapidly and the cheering got louder and the solders were marching up the street so that the ground shook.

"This has to be registering on some seismograph," commented Jack to Max who nodded and then pointed. Jack looked and saw the Castle Gates. Caspian's trumpeter grabbed his horn and blew it again and cried,

"Open for the King of Narnia–" but was cut off by Jack.

"Yeah! Didja here that! A KING–" who was promptly disrupted by Max.

"YOUR MOM! SO OPEN UP QUICK–" who was smothered by the hand of one solider.

The harbinger continued. "...come to visit his trusty–"

Max bit down on the hand and yelled, "More like _rusty_!"

"TRUSTY and well-beloved servant–" the trumpeter was beginning to feel like he needed a new job.

"Yeah! What now? Didja here that! Servant!" taunted Jack.

"SHUT UP!" Caspian bellowed. "You are throwing off my shiny groove!" he shrieked. Apparently he had grown a large head during the procession.

"... The governor of the Lone Islands." Finished the harbinger triumphantly, with a long sigh.

Throughout all this commotion, a little puny man had squeezed his way through the gate. He was standing there, blinking, a mite bit garbled.

"Carn seez fishany," he muttered.

"Pardon?"

"No interviews without 'pointments 'cept 'tween nine 'n ten A.M. second Saturday, every month," the diminutive person stated.

Max whipped out her wristwatch and glanced back at the mingy man. "Er. It's 9:03 and 37 seconds on the second Saturday of June."


	8. It Happens to Be and No Mistake

**We own not the miraculous works of my hero, C.S. Lewis. Nor Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, The Phantom of the Opera, Toilet Tag, or J.R.R. Tolkien's overuse of the awesome quote "and no mistake". But we do own Arturo, Bobo, and Andy so you can't have 'em. I have decided to say that Fanfiction is DUMB when it comes to banning people. DUMB. Thanks for alla reviews, please keep them up because we thrive on them. **

**Hey, CATCHCAT, I dunno about writing a serious story. I am more of a humor person and even when I tried angst, it turned out kinda funny. Well, not funny in a normal way, but in a weird way of, dude-why-the-heck-is-Glorfindel-killing-himself? But, thank you for a most flattering compliment blushes.**

**Now, everyone can clap because I am finally done with this huge-mongas, long-winded, author's note.**

"_No interviews without 'pointments 'cept 'tween nine 'n ten A.M. second Saturday, every month." The diminutive postern stated._

_Max whipped out her wristwatch and glanced back at the mingy man. "Er. It's 9:03 and 37 seconds on the second Saturday of June."_

The postern blinked and squinted some more and then pulled out his pocket book calendar from his back pocket.

"Right." he mumbled. "Aherm." He cleared his throat and then yelled "INTRUDE!" sounding distinctly like Count Olaf. He stepped aside to let the party pass. The gates where still closed, but the Postern didn't notice until about five seconds of the shiny figures not moving but staring expectantly at him. He looked around questioningly and found the gates to be closed.

"Oi! Gate keeper! We gots guests. Right shiny ones, and no mistake!"

"Wot's this all 'bout?" came a sleepy, grumpy, cackley, voice.

"House keeping!" Called Jack.

"OH! 'Old on, we've been 'specting you. Laundry's over-due an' no mistake!"

The gates opened quickly and the possession proceeded. Some guards tumbled out of doors, wiping their mouths on greasy hands. There came calls of "'ouse keeping's 'ere."

"Oh wonderful! There's algae growing on my bathtub, an' no mistake." They all hustled out doors and gathered in front of the "'ousekeepers".

"They're right-shiny an' no mistake!"

"I sure HOPE it's not a mistake," muttered Jack, sick of all the un-mistakes.

"Yeah, the new company, Merry Maids, new uniforms."

"Where's the captain?" _Pregunte_ Caspian.

"_Sa voux me somme_," Jack sang, unrepresentatively, in French.

"I am, more or less, if you know what I mean." the guy with the algae in his bathtub stated and bowed.

"It is our wish," said Caspian, "That our royal visitation to our realm, the Lone Islands, should, if possible, be an occasion of joy and not of terror to our loyal subjects."

"What's up with all this 'our'?" interrupted Jack. "I mean, this is not _my_ island,_ I_ am not royal. _You_ are the only king here. No more 'We are the king of Narnia.' because _we_ are most certainly not. It is a frightful habit you have developed!"

Caspian shot her a rather nettled look and continued. To Jack and Max, it was just rambling till they noticed that the Captain was leading them in. Caspian turned to them and hissed at them to stay. Jack was about to protest, but Caspian didn't give her a chance.

"I mean it stay here!" he commanded in a commandish like voice.

Max puckered up her lips, half closed her eyes, made her voice go as deep as possible, and slurred together: "I mean it stay here!" and bobbed her head like the little Chihuahua on the dashboard of her master's car. Weeeell, not on her master's car, but somebody has one. GOSH.

Jack lifted an eyebrow in annoyance and said in her best you're-stupid-but-I-have-to-listen-to-you-but-wait-no-I-don't-but-I-will-anyway-voice, "Yes, my lord." The group entered and Jack and Max plopped down leaning against the wall.

Max began to vow solemnly that Jack's decision to obey Caspian was gooselike. "Jaaaaaaaack." She began. Jack ignored her, pulled her legs to her chest and began picking at the ground. Max sighed. Jack began making a pile of grass. Max sighed even louder. Jack, without looking up from what she was doing, said:

"Do you remember how long we are going to be here?"

"Nope," replied Max. "To be honest-"

"No. I want you to lie." Jack said sarcastically.

"Alright, I'm lying. I haven't read the book for long time."

"Hmmmmmmm. Intriguing," commented Jack.

"What's intriguing?"

"Nothing. I just like the word." Jack continued making the pile of grass.

A long silence followed, which Max broke by saying, "You wanna play Toilet Tag?"

"Toilet tag?" asked a man. (We are not sure who this man is. But Jack thinks we should call him Arturo.)

"Toilet tag?" asked Arturo.

"Well a toilet is a porcelain..." Jack stopped to think for a moment.

"Throne," supplied Max.

"Ah yes. A throne. And you sit on this throne and...well it doesn't matter, but we are going to play a game."

"A game?" Arturo looked skeptical for a moment and then his face lit up at the prospect. "Did you hear that, men? A game!"

"Hear, hear!" yelled the rest of the men. Max moved ahead to explain the rules of Toilet Tag and as soon as she was done she yelled, "NOT IT!"

Jack smiled. "Well, good thing that it was 'Kiwi-Not-It', huh?"

"DAAAAAANG-iiiiiit." sighed Max and then started chasing the nearest man. She got the poor bloke. He froze, one knee on the ground with his arm raised slightly, parallel to the ground.

"Somebody sit on 'im!" ordered Jack as she pointed to the guy closest to him. The guy who we just named Bobo. "Bo! Sit on Andy! Do it! Do it now!" Bobo took one look at Andy and ran away yelling,

"I'm not sittin' on 'im! You're outta yer bloody mind!"

"Fine." Jack sat on Andy's leg and pushed his arm down to 'flush' him. Jack whispered, "You didn't make the flushing sound."

Andy rolled his eyes, blushed and went, "SSSHHHQQUUUUUAAAAHHH!" as brassy as he could. (To properly pronounce this bonzer word, you must stand in front of a dishwasher, turn it on and then imitate it to the scoop of your abilities.)

They continued to play for who knows how long. Max was 'it' THE. WHOLE. FRIDDEN. TIME. (Bitter moment). Just as she thought she was going to win, someone would make a flushing sound and they would be free. But her Master drilled it into her mind not to give up. (Thank you Master.) So here she was, rollicking wildly after Jack when, BAM! Suddenly, just outta NOWHERE, she collided with something unspeakably hard. Actually, the something happened to be someone, who happened to be a pretty pissed-off king, who happened to be Caspian, who happened to be actually the only king on the Island, which happens to be a lie because Edmund just happens to be a king also.

Max didn't give a second thought to the something and got back up and started chasing Jack again. But after about two steps, she just collapsed and gave up with a huge-mongus groan of frustration. (Sorry Master.) "HHHUUUUUGGGGGHHHHUUUUU!" But, really if you actually do try to pronounce this, you sound like a dying cow, which has _nothing_ to do with what Max sounded like.

After picking himself up, Caspian objected. "We object!"

Jack peeked out from behind Quin, who she was using as a human shield, and exclaimed, "Does that mean we win?" Max was still on the ground groaning and she didn't respond. Jack perambulated over to Max and bent down so that she was right in Max's face. "Well? Do we?"

"You freaking win and you know it! BAAH!" Jack grinned and helped her whinging friend up.

As they rode into town, they drew a bombastic crowd. When they arrived at the slave market, the now Duke Bern shouted, "On your knees, every man of you, to the King of Narnia!" Then, as an afterthought he yelled, "Women too." They did.

"Your life is forfeit, Pug, for laying hands on our royal person, yesterday." said Caspian.

"Yes, aside from the atrocious usage of 'our', you are right," oriented Jack. Caspian coughed and continued.

"But your ignorance is pardoned. The slave trade was forbidden in all OUR dominions a quarter of an hour ago. I declare all slaves present free!" There was loud cheering to Caspian's extreme pleasure. "Where are my friends?"

"Why, they were snapped up at once!" Pug said this.

"We're here! We're here! CASPIAN!" Lucy and Edmund cried from one corner.

"At your service, Sire," called Reep from the opposite corner. Now we hug Ed and Lu.

"But where's Eustace?" squalled Max, very distressed. Pug jollied on about no one wanting Eustace for what seemed like ages and ages. But, really, all he said was,

"Oh. You can 'ave _'im_." They brought out the sulking Eustace and Jack and Max grabbed him in a death-hug. Surprisingly, Eustace hugged back.

Then he turned to Caspian and remarked, "I see. As usual. You've been enjoying yourself somewhere while the rest of us were prisoners. I suppose you haven't even found out about the British Consul." There was a pause. "Of course not."

"Pleasant little blighter!" remarked Lord Rhine, who finally, for the first time in this story, decided to talk.

"I love him." sighed Max, dreamily.


	9. Thundercats, Whoaaaoooaoo!

**We own not the miraculous works of my hero, C.S. Lewis. Nor Lord of the Rings, Sponge Bob(Thank God!)** **The Princess Bride, The In-Laws, or Star Wars. or Little Women. DING DING DING! Catchcat wins the 40th review game! Three cheers: Hip, hip...Hurrah. Hip, hip...Hurrah. Hip, hip...HUZZAH! This chapter is dedicated to Catchcat! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, you are so kind. There was something else I was going to say...but I forgot it. Le sigh.**

Two and a half weeks had passed and it was torture, mostly. All they did was eat at Bern's, have a feast on the ship, buy supplies, talk to "Ye Olde Tars", as Max named them, and have picnics. Max and Jack's patients began to run thin. Anorexic thin. Actually, Jack's was expired and Max merely thought it sounded virtuous to let hers depart.

"If we're not carful," warned Jack one afternoon in a giant field, on yet another picnic with various authoritative Lords, "we'll turn into fat hippie landlubbers." Max was lying next to her, wiggling a long piece of grass at the sky with her mouth. She was drawing pictures of Sauron wearing Sponge Bob's square pants in the clouds with it.

"Yes. We need to get outta here." she agreed around the grass.

"If only that brainless, foolish, narking, wet-blanket-Caspi–" Jack interrupted herself by letting off a strong shriek and leaping up and brushing herself off desperately. Half of the men jumped up and drew their swords in a panic. Jack started hopping around, as if she was trying not to step on something.

"What!" cried Caspian. "What is it?" Jack just squealed again and pointed at the ground. Max found the menace.

"Stop!" Max commanded. "You're going to squish him!" She dove at Jack's feet, trying to save the terror. Max stood up, victorious, with a tremendous grin and something wriggling in her hands. She held it up and Jack squeaked afresh and backed up quickly.

"Put it down!" She commanded. The swordsmen sheathed their swords with a huff, rolling their eyes, grumbling, and cursing.

"No! You're scaring him! Isn't she, little guy?" she pulled her hands close to her face and kissed the squirming figure. Jack almost retched.

"Do you realize how nasty and germy that thing is? You are going to die of lizard poisoning!" Max looked skeptical. "You're eyeballs are going to explode, you are going to have tremendous heart burn, blisters and colossal hang nails! Your vital fluids are going to leak out your ears and nose and your heart will slowly, slowly stop beating, until you DIE!" Jack wailed melodramatically and then clapped a hand to her heart, as if she were catching an invisible arrow as it impaled her, and keeled over, straight backed, into the long tufts of grass.

"My, you have a way with words."

"Thank you." Jack took the compliment lying down.

"But it's a gecko. A leopard gecko." Max corrected and continued. " I wonder: What is a Gecko doing in the middle of a field?"

"Does it matter? Just put it down!"

"No. I'm keeping him."

"What?"

"I'm keeping him and I'm naming him...Terrence."

"You'll do no such thing."

"What? I like that name. Don't make fun of his name!" Max pulled Terrence protectively against her chest.

"NO! I meant that you are not keeping that!" Jack pointed with two fingers at Terrence, as she usually did when she was in a huff.

"Yes I am, grandma." The argument continued until Jack finally relented and they both sat back down in the field with a big huff.

"We _have_ to get off this Island." Jack decided out loud, and they began to devise a plan. Max, being the wonderful master mind, (she read it in a book once) suggested drugging Caspian's drink. Jack, loving this ingenious project, agreed whole-heartedly. Together Max and Jack and their evil chemistry brains came up with a sleeping draft, and tested it on the ROUS. Jack cackled viciously when it succeeded, but said that she would have to make a few adjustments. Max ended up deciding to give it to Reep for the rest of the week and they blamed it on him being under-the-weather with Wet Bone.

Max had gathered a ton of mealy-worms and crickets for Terrence, but she still didn't know how to keep him from running away. For now, he perched on her shoulders and the back of her neck, where it was warm. She loved the way his tiny toenails tickled her lightly and his soft, cool tummy rested on her neck. His skin was yellowish with black spots all over, and he was about seven inches from tip to tail. Jack had a complete aversion to him, still, and kept as far away from him as possible.

Eustace, however, liked him. In fact, that very day, he knocked sheepishly on the door of the room Max and Jack were staying in, with a present for Max and her new pet. When Max opened the door she looked very suspicious to Eustace. She wore this weird face that he could name 'I-am-doing-something-bad-am-I-getting-caught?'and she slipped out of the door and only left a crack of it open behind her, She was looking around warily. (This was when they were brewing the concoction in their room).

Eustace ignored the fact that he knew that Max and Jack were up to something, silently and quickly hoped that he was not the butt of whatever cruel joke that was about to be played, and held up a crude, homemade-looking cage. It was a wooden cube with two sides of metal mesh (where the heck did he get _that_?), and a small hole, just big enough for Terrence to fit through, with a small, circular, swinging, door. It was blinking perfect.

"Eustace! Where...how did you... I didn't even... you, I..." Max exclaimed with extreme eloquence and articulance. Eustace was already wondering if this wasn't such a good idea, after all. He didn't really care for giving presents. He averted his eyes.

"I bought it at the village." Eustace cut to the chase. He was blushing furiously and rubbing his hand in his hair nervously. He hated this. Now she would get all mushy.

"Oh, Eustace! Thank you! He'll love it!" Max nearly tackled Eustace. Point proven. So he did what he does best: he spouted off random facts to make other people look stupid.

"It's a she. Terrence is fully-grown and males get a whole lot bigger." Eustace sneered.

Just then, there was a loud popping explosion-y sound and a yell from Jack inside. Max jumped at the noise and Eustace tried to get a look behind Max but she grabbed the cage and dashed back inside yelling,

"Thanks Eustace!" and with that, the door slammed in his face. Eustace walked stiffly away scowling and muttering to himself.

Later that week, in the evening, Jack, with her perfected vile of sleeping draft, found Caspian out on Bern's veranda with a glass of wine. Perfect. She ambled over to him and leaned on the railing, inches from his cup.

"It's nice just to escape, from all your responsibilities and go somewhere peaceful," Caspian said with a sigh.

"I agree, sometimes life is demanding. Okay so it isn't exactly life, but the Jedi Council," Jack said racking her brain for a way to make him look in a different direction than his cup.

"Huh? The what?" Caspian had heard Jack and Max speak of this Council, but he still didn't know what it was.

"The Jedi Council, the group of old guys that send Orin and I off to, well, whatever place needs saving at the moment," she began.

"Orin?"

"Yeah, this guy that just travels around with me and together we save people." she explained. "Anyway, it's crazy sometimes, but you can always come back to the temple and wander the gardens in peace. It is refreshing to walk among the fountains and waterfalls."

"Sounds nice," said Caspian as he took a sip of his drink and set it down on his other side.

"I've always thought so," she replied eyeing his cup. He is not going to make this easy. As Jack tried to reformulate her plan, Max's head popped up from a bush. Jack immediately got an idea. She threw Max the vile, and Max caught on.

"Do you have a place like that back at Cair Paravel?" She stepped back so he would have to turn around to see her.

Caspian did so and began gassing on about Narnia, all the while Jack tried not to look at Max. Though Max was tallish she was on her tiptoes to pour the vile into the drink. After what seemed like minuets, Max shrunk back into the bushes. Just in time for Caspian to turn for another drink.

"It is far to stuffy in there,"Jack put her hand against her forehead, "In fact I feel a bit faint, perhaps I will go to the ship and lie down."

"I will assist you," said Caspian offering her his arm. Jack took it and together they walked to the ship. Max had sprinted to the ship, and was waiting on deck.

"Oh, are you well?" Max said dramatically taking Jack's hand.

"Perhaps you can assist her to your cabin," said Caspian.

Around deck there were unnumerable amounts of sailors, if Caspian passed out here it would not look good. So Jack did the first thing she could think of; she swooned.

"What happened?" Max said in the most mortified tone that the moment would allow.

"She just fainted," Caspian said, talking very slowly as if Max were a very small child.

"I know that,"Max snapped, "Carry her down stairs."

Caspian picked Jack up and followed Max. When Caspian entered he found Reepicheep asleep on a hammock, "What is he doing here?"

"Um," stammered Max, Why isn't he passing out? "He's got the dreaded wet bone, didn't you hear?"

"The what?" Caspian said as he laid Jack down and then staggered back, "I feel a bit light headed."

"Perhaps you should sit down," suggested Max, but Caspian immediately keeled over and fell to the floor.

Jack jumped up, "I thought he might pass out and drop me."

Max sighed, "I wish I were the swooning type." As she said this she dramatically raised her hand to her forehead and fell forward towards Jack.

"I wish I were the catching type," said Jack as she stepped aside, letting Max fall right on top of Caspian, "He's a purdy good catcher though."

Jack and Max walked on deck with almost a skip in their steps. There stood Drinian who waved them down.

"Where is Caspian?" he asked.

Max cleared her throat, "He isn't feeling well, but he wants us to leave. ASAP."

"APSP?" Drinian was perplexed.

"As Soon As Possible, ASAP," explained Max in a frustrating tone, getting Caspian in the hammock was frustrating enough.

"Hmm, very good, I shall speak with him," said Drinian.

"You could, if you wanted to wake up his Royal Majesty," pointed out Jack.

"Well," Drinian coughed. The thinking-cough. "I suppose I shall get everyone ready. If he wakes, tell him we can be out by tomorrow evening."

"Will do, Drinny Poo," said Max as she turned to walk below.

"Drinny Poo?" said Drinian.

Jack laughed and followed her friend below. "Kind-a-like Quiggie-Poo!"


	10. There was panoptic muteness

**We own not the miraculous works of my hero, C.S. Lewis. Nor the song In Love With The 80's by Relient K, Star Wars, or Charmisjess's awesome "Commander Cody/General Kenobi/women's malfunction" quote-y thing, or Pirates of the Caribbean. We're really sorry for the delay. Review, my pretties!**

Sarcasm noun the use of irony to mock or convey contempt. -Oxford University Press.

The next few days were delightful. Lucy thought she was the most fortunate girl in the world as she woke each morning to see the reflections of the sunlit water dancing on the ceiling of her cabin, and looked round on all the nice new things she had got in the Lone Islands-sea boots and buskins and cloaks and jerkins which could either be sweaters or a close-fitting, collarless, coat or jacket, usually of leather having no sleeves but often extended shoulders, belted and worn over a doublet by men especially in the 16th century. We will never know. The sea was getting bluer and bluer and the skies were getting clearer and clearer and the air was getting warmer and warmer. She spent her time playing chess with Reepicheep. Yes, delightful. Just delightful.

The next few days were delicious. Caspian thought he was the luckiest king in the whole world. He woke up one morning to find that a) his head was about to burst, b) they had left the Lone Islands without his consent, and c) the only justification anyone could give him of leaving while he was asleep, was Jack and Max continuously trying to assure him that he a caught the dreaded 'Wet Bone', and while he was in a sleep-walking-fit he told them to tell Drinian to leave the Lone Islands right away. The provisions were running out quickly and he became temperamental.

During one of the many chess games held on the poop deck, Max decided to see about some background music.

"And I'm only gonna pierce my left ear, and I've been working on this mustache all summer long. And my favorite band will always be Tears For Fears, and I'm gonna wear a pink tux to the prom! A Pink tux to the Prom! DO, do, do-DO DOooooo! Pink tux to the proooom!" She sang from the bow of the ship as loud as she could, off key. Jack joined in nodding her head to the imaginary beat. "I. AM. GONNA. WEAR. A pink tux to the prom! Live without a caaaaare... what could poooossibly go wroooooo- "

"SHUT UP!" shrieked Caspian springing up, agitating the chess board. "JUST SHUT UP, can't you! You're always implausibly obnoxiously BARBARIC! I can't TAKE it anymore, I swear! JUST SHUT UP!" Caspian finished, breathing very heavily and rather red in the face. Lucy looked shocked. Reep looked like he agreed and that he was proud of Caspian for finally standing up to the girls.

There was panoptic muteness.

Max slowly, but deliberately slid her hand up to her mouth, made a guttural sound, and kind of yelled, "Ah, Commander Cody, we bear a malfunction..."

Jack scooted over to the juxtaposed, muted sailor and hid behind him. "Commander Cody speaking, we copy you, General Kenobi. What seems to be the problem?"

"King Caspian seems to have a woman's problem...PMS. Do you copy that Commander Cody?"

"Loud and clear, Kenobi."

Yes, bewailed Caspian to himself, deee-licious.

To top it off, there was one of the most tearing, thrashing, horrible, rainy, boat-capsizing, mast-cleaving, man-overboarding storm in the history of all the tearing, thrashing, horribly rainy, boat-capsizing, mast-cleaving, man-overboarding storms. It lasted for twelve measly days. Twelve bloody days of creakings, groanings, snappings, clatterings, roarings and boomings. Twelve wretched days without rest and warm food and dryness.

On the thirteenth day the sun came out. The storm was over, but most of the food was gone, the waters were dead, it was stinking hot, and worst of all:

"Why's the rum gone!" Max threw up her hands in despair.

Jack coughed and in a low whisper murmured, "It was the water, not the rum. The water caskets leaked."

"Right, why is the water gone!" Max tried again.

Eustace mumbled something like, "Narnian efficiency."

"We must work with what we were given, food for 16 days and a pint of water a day," declared Caspian.

"Your mom gets a pint of water," Max declared back.

Caspian sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Your mom's green sour patch kid gets a pint of water," responded Jack.

"Yeah, well, it would probably dissolve," Max pointed out.

"Good point," Jack turned to Caspian and Drinian who were trying to figure out what a sour patch kid was. "Now, OUT OARS for Dragon Island."

"What?" almost everyone said in unison.

Not having water was hard on everyone and to make things worse, poor Jack and Max were almost bored out of their minds (like the one time, okay maybe every time, they picked up the book they have to read for English class). I say almost, because they 'discovered' Eustace's diary, thing and they made all kinds of notes in it. And the following is an account of their "discovery:"

"Why on earth are you in this stuffy cabin, when you can be out in the fresh air? It is a lovely day." Jack said as she entered the cabin she shared with Lucy and Max.

"Yes, it is, isn't it?" said Max from her seated position at Caspian's former desk; she was hovering over something.

Jack walked stealthily over to the desk, "What are you doing?"

Max jumped and quickly covered what appeared to be a notebook, "Blast you! It's none of your business."

"Where did you get a notebook?" Jack exclaimed: both the girls had notebooks that they used to make all kind of 'notes,' kind of like the Pickwick Club, and Jack had to admit she was a bit put out that Max had one.

"It's, it's, it's not mine, but well, I borrowed it," explained Max.

"How do you borrow a notebook?" Jack gave Max a look, that reminded her (Max) of the way her Master looked when she knew she was lying.

Max began to sweat (is it getting hotter in here?), she had never been investigated by the police but this must be close. It felt as though Jack were boring holes in her (how does Orin handle this). Jack was waiting (what should I say).

"I discovered it in Eustace's room, and I, I took it," Max broke down.

"Oh. Okay, can I read?" Jack grabbed the note book and began reading what Eustace wrote for September 4th.

"Still becalmed," she read out loud, "Very short rations for dinner and I got less than anyone." Here Jack's eyes began to water.

Max looked at her very closely with a confungled look on her face. "What?" Jack ignored her and took a breath.

"Caspian is very clever at helping, and thinks I don't see." And then Jack exploded. She was doubled up, clutching the chair in front of her, laughing so hard, for what seemed like absolutely no reason. Max started scowling. She wasn't in on the joke.

"Whaaaat?" Max tried again.

When Jack caught her breath she continued with a slight hitch in her voice, "Lucy, for some reason, tried to make up to me by offering some of hers, but that interfering prig Edmund wouldn't let her. Pretty hot sun. Terribly thirsty all evening." Jack paused. "Oh. Man." she said very slowly. "I keep taking stuff off of Eustace's plate and giving them to Drinian, when he is not looking. I can't believe he thinks Caspian is doing it instead of one of us! Haha!" Max chuckled a little. Jack grabbed a pen and started writing in the notebook.

"NO! Don't write in it," Max reached for the notebook, but Jack held it just out of reach. Max stood up and (since she was the taller of the two and had the longer arms) grabbed the notebook.

"My notebook!" Eustace cried. Max and Jack spun around to be face to face with the boy (they weren't exactly face to face considering Eustace was at least a head shorter than Jack). Eustace went for the notebook, but Max held it up.

"Give it back!" demanded Eustace, as he jumped for it.

"No, no, no," Max shook her finger at him, "You must say please."

"It's mine, why should I say, 'please?'" Eustace said in a very aloof tone.

Jack frowned at him, "You have horrid manners."

Eustace rolled his eyes, and groaned, "Please may I have my notebook back."

"Most certainly," Max cheerfully said handing him the notebook.

Eustace looked at the last page and there was writing in the margin of the page. He was almost furious but he didn't understand what the strange writing meant.

"What does 'bra' mean?"

"Bra?" repeated Max.

"No," Jack grabbed the notebook and pointed to the writing, "It says: Dude-Man-Bro. Bro. Not bra."

"It does look like bra," Max said nodding her head.

"Stop nodding your head, and it says bro," Jack said defensively.

"No, it doesn't," said Max.

"Yes, it does, I wrote it, I would know," snapped Jack.

"You _should_ know, but it, in fact, looks like bra," Max responded coolly. Jack shot her a glare, but the whole conversation was forgotten when they heard someone yell, "LAND IN SIGHT."


	11. camoblack 3barreled rifle Nina edition3

**A/N. This is a very strange chapter. And I mean strange. Tell me what you think. Dude-man-bro! So many reviews! 56 right now. That's the most I've gotten. Thank you, thank you, thank you SO much for reviewing. And I am really sorry about the looong wait for this chapter. I am going out of town for a while so don't worry when I don't post for another loooong time. **

**Oh, and I don't own The Chronicles of Narnia, Star Wars, Bonjovi, or The Princess Bride. But I do own my** **camo-black, three-barreled-rifle, Nina, edition three, used for hunting Carabao in Florida. It's mine. My own. Don't take it. I luff it. **

**Please keep reviewing! **

**Oh, and P.P.S. don't take those last comments about other fanfictions being horrible, personally. We make all of our characters emotionally unstable and this story, if you haven't already noticed, is very shallow and has nothing to do with C.S. Lewis's deeper meanings. Yeah.**

**REVIEW! **

As the _Dawn Treader_ slowly but steadily neared the great mountain of an Island the excitement mounted, and by September 11th, the sailors were nearly always storming about in a huff and generally pretending to be doing something important. Caspian, after his major breakdown, was nearly always grinning and mumbling incoherently under his breath. They could now see the shoreline under a eyeglass.

When morning came with a low, grey sky, but very hot, the adventurers found they were in a bay encircled by such cliffs and crags that it was like a Norwegian fjord. In front of then, at the head of the bay, there was some level land heavily overgrown with trees that appeared to be cedars, through which a rapid stream came out. Beyond that was a steep ascent ending in a jagged ridge and behind that a vague darkness of mountains which ran into dull-colored clouds so that you could not see their tops. The whole place was very silent and the water of the bay was smooth as glass. It reflected every detail of the cliffs. The scene would have been pretty in a picture, but was rather oppressing in real life. It was not a country that welcomed visitors.

Max and Jack could just make out huge letters, written it seemed in the side of the cliff. They were, by now, not allowed a monocle to look closer because Jack had already dropped two of Caspian's finest and Max had broken one by using it as a 'gun'.

"It's a camo-black, three-barreled-rifle, Nina, edition three, used for hunting Caribou in Florida!" she promogulated loudly at Drinian who told her to be extra-careful with his eyeglass.

Max had horrible eyesight and always squinted, but Jack said, "If you squint your eyes REALLY hard like this," she gave a demonstration and looked like she was trying to play copy-cat with a constipated bull dog, "it kinda looks like it says 'coffee'."

"Coffee?" Max was astounded. She _looooved_ coffee!

"Coffee." Jack corroborated with a nod.

Eustace skillfully jabbed his way into the conversation. "What kind of madman would put the word 'coffee' on a cliff wall in Narnia?" Eustace raised his eyebrows and looked smug at his apparent attempt to sound well-groomed and smart.

Jack gave him her famous 'duh-you-deranged-psychopath' look.

"This isn't Narnia. Narnia stopped after the Lone Islands. This is Dragon Island."

Ooooo! Shut-Down!

Max and Jack dramatized high-fives, much to the vexation of Eustace, who was already vexed at being outflanked with ecumenical cognition of localization.

The whole ship's company went ashore in two boat loads and everyone drank and washed deliciously and had a meal and a rest under the shade of the cedars. On land it was perfectly clear that the word on the cliff read, "HELP!" (not "Coffee.") in ginormous clear, nearly audible letters.

Max felt as though she only rested a moment when she heard a voice that distinctly reminded her of Tarzan — a kind of adolescent-voice-changing-yodel. She sat up, just as everyone else turned apprehensively toward where the racket was coming from: the inland of the island, in the trees. Everyone began wondering if the Island did not have natives after all. A moment later, a pink beam of light could be seen though the shadows of the great cedars, bowling though the trees, rapidly coming towards the party.

That was when everyone started panicking. There came shouts from the group somewhat tantamount to, "We'll never survive!"– "Nonsense. You only say that because nobody ever has." — "What devilry is this?" — "Ah, here they come." — "Ai! Fell Beast!" Every prepared quickly for an ambush as a figure, who decidedly belonged to the Tarzan-yodel, barreled into broad daylight with a crazed look in his eye.

The yodeling suddenly aborted as the yodeler flattened into the sand, face down, panting like a beetle. However, there wasn't silence. Next they could hear a young female's voice carrying on a conversation very loudly and in English.

She was announcing that, "You'd be surprised at how tough a buffalo is! I mean, Thomas Jefferson might even have a spot of trouble ridding and staying on one for a whole half an hour!"

At the mention of "half an hour" two, much smaller figures stepped casually into the sunlight and efficiently identified themselves as girls by shrieking at the sight of all the people they apparently hadn't noticed before. Of course the shrieking unceremoniously stamped those present out of a stupor of total shock and induced a loud, long howling from absolutely everyone. The noise was deafening.

Well absolutely everyone was yelling except the yodeler, but he doesn't count because he jumped up and skipped, literally skipped, over to the two shrieking girls (not Jack and Max this time), and stuffed their heads in his armpits to stifle their racket. They fought berserkly, but he did not yield. Instead he just grinned and stuck out one of his hands to cover Max's mouth and then kicked the nearest man, which just happened to be our beloved Drinian.

That shut everyone up.

Jack, ever the logical one, was first to recognized the three strangers. "Obi-Two Bonjovi?" She smiled slowly and slapped him on the back. "And I suspect these are your two Padawans, Manikin and Chase?"

"You know these people?" Caspian asked Jack, who ignored him.

Obi-Two Bonjovi nodded gleefully. "Oh yes, you could say I train them in the arts of x-box and kick-boxing with a little tickle-torture on the side. This is Manikin Guystalker," he let an incredibly white-haired girl emerge from his armpit. She looked a bit nauseous and red-faced. "And this is Chase Fondu." He didn't let Chase go so she reached around with a free hand and pinched his popo as hard as she could. He yelped and dropped Chase who was laughing like a maniac. Chase had light brown hair and freckles.

Max looked incredulous. She was also inarticulate at that moment. "What...how did you...why are you...who sent...whaaaaa..."

Manikin cringed. "We would prefer you not to use that word. It creeps me out."

Max's eyes got really big as she thought hard at what she said. "What word?"

"Hormones." Manikin shivered as she said it.

"But I didn't—"

"TRAINING TIME!" Obi-Two Bonjovi bellowed.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Manikin and Chase started sprinting and screaming in two different directions. Bonjovi was strong in the force and Manikin and Chase found themselves tied to trees and blindfolded in a blink of an eye.

He then brought out his bow and a couple of plungers. Manikin had stopped screaming but Chase hadn't and was making enough noise to wake my Great Aunt Tiva, who died in a deer accident last year. Manikin had stopped to stare at Quin's pants, after she used the force to remove the dirty sock that was being used as a blind fold.

"Ew." She groaned. "Your pants are way too short. That's disgusting. If you had socks on, I would actually be able to _see_ them." Quin looked down at his ankles and shrugged.

"Silence, my young Padawans." Obi-Two retied the sock. "Catch the plunger you must. One word out of either of you and you'll both have cold showers for a month!" Obi-Two started giggling as he strung a plunger on the bow and aimed, as if it were an arrow. Both of the girls were screaming and trying to shield their faces.

He missed the first time and started laughing like a hyena.

He was only two feet away from his target.

He strung the second and fired at Chase. It hit her stomach and dropped. She tried to catch it a few moments too late and started chuckling instead of screaming.

"HAHA! Use the, hahah, use the force, precious, hahahah!" He skipped over to the two fallen plungers and scooped them up.

Obi-Two Bonjovi skipped over to Max and started shaking her. Max looked at him and started laughing. Bonjovi shook her harder but then it wasn't Bonjovi, it was Jack now. Suddenly Max was aware of a loud noise coming from a long way off. It was like laughter but it was warped and was too loud to be coming from anyone nearby. Suddenly a curtain whooshed aside and Max found herself lying down under one of the giant trees. Jack, Edmund, Lucy, and Eustace were, strangely enough, looking down at her and laughing their heads off. Max blinked.

Whoah.

"You were talking in your sleep! It was, haha, it was the funniest thing ever!" Edmund managed to splutter between fits of laughter.

"You said, and I quote, 'Training Time! Nooo. Not the plungers! noooooooo.' And you started laughing and screaming. Some of the sailors thought you were possessed!" Jack giggled.

"Hahah! 'Catch the plungers, you must!'" Lucy did a perfect imitation of Max which gained some more gales of laughter.

"It was pathetic, really." Eustace announced.

"Shut up, fool." Jack poked Eustace in the eye.

"Ow!"

"Alright, everyone. Please pay heed to your tasks and meet back here for supper." Caspian bossed and perambulated away to do something, presumably, more important.

Jack helped Max up smiling. "Caspian told us to go look for something to make dinner with, preferably meat. Perhaps you could bring along that three-barreled rifle of yours." Max snorted, nodded and yawned. "You have to admit," continued Jack, "that was pretty funny."

"Yeah. I guess. It was the weirdest dream in the history of my weirdest dreams."

"What happened?"

— — — — —

Jack and Max, after a hefty helping of wild goat sat on the beach making a sand castle, or Fortress Europe as they called it. Max said, "Where's Eustace?"

Everyone kept eating assuming that he would return eventually, but by the time they had finished eating and let the thought stew in their minds, many became worried. They shouted, "Eustace!"

Max shouted, "Coo-ee!"

"What is coo-ee?" asked Jack.

"No idea, but they said that in the book, they shouted, "Eustace! Eustace! Coo-ee!" And so I decided I wanted to shout coo-ee."

"Hum, well, sounds good to me."

"Can you believe we are actually in Narnia." said Max in a random burst of randomness. "Do you realize how insane this is?"

"Yes," Jack sighed, "Can you believe some of the Narnia fan fictions, some of the writers, never have and may not ever understand CS Lewis's deeper meaning in his stories, they just take it and kill it, and make everyone emotionally unstable!"

SILENCE, SILENCE.

"Do you realize how many crappy reviews we're gonna get for that comment?" said Max as she whipped out her notebook to jot that thought down.

**To Be Continued**

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	12. Oh my lanta, you meatball!

**Basically, I don't own anything, so there.**

Both Max and Jack continued calling for Eustace till Jack remembered, "Max, he won't hear us; he's asleep at the bottom of the valley."

"Well, we must find him," Max declared heroically as she grabbed Jack's sword and bow and arrows and shoved them into Jack's hands. "Gather everyone you can; we'll form a brute squad! We must find Eustace!" she cried with authority.

Jack nodded, put on her cloak that looked like it belonged to the Dread Pirate Roberts, and went to gather a search party. She came upon Caspian and the others talking.

"Of course we've got to find him, if we can." said Caspian wearily. "That's the nuisance of it. It means a search party and endless trouble. Bother Eustace."

Jack coughed to get his attention. Everyone looked at her. "We must gather a brute squad, ahem, a search party!" she ordered, "Though eventually he will be back, but it is better than sitting here idly."

Everyone was silent, which was a usual occurrence after Jack and Max said something. They studied her. She looked as if she were with a Hun.

Edmund coughed, "Yes, we must go, um you're going I presume?" he looked at Jack, who lifted an eyebrow.

"Yes," she replied slowly, "and Max of course. Hmm, where is she?" As if on cue, a stray arrow shot through the group and lodged itself into the trunk of the tree Lucy was leaning on, which caused her to scream. The arrow was followed by a very apologetic Max, muttering something about rehearsing.

The only thing that was apprehended from her rambling was, "And then, it hit a shield, and yeah. Er, sorry, but there is a group of men readying to search."

"Well," Caspian cleared his throat, "very good. We shall go then."

The search party was organized and ready to go. Caspian, Drinian, Rhine and Edmund were discussing in what direction to go when Max cried, "Stop gassing on infidels and follow us!" With that, Max and Jack set up the same hill Eustace had earlier. Not sure what to do, the rest just followed. All they found was a dead dragon, which alarmed Edmund more than a boy his age should have been alarmed.

"It looks as if it just died." Jack examined it closer.

"It probably ate the little brat and died of him: he'd poison anything," said Rhince.

Max stuck her tongue out at him.

Later that evening they returned, exhausted. Jack and Max both fell asleep, only to be softly woken up by Edmund saying there was another dragon.

"Perhaps it'll go away." offered Lucy, ever the optimist.

"It'll be worse if it does," replied Edmund, with a shiver, "because then we shan't know where it is. If there's a wasp in the room I like to be able to see it."

"Well good thing there aren't any wasps around here! And good thing we aren't in a room!" Max thought she was pretty savvy with that remark and an attempt at Jack's "Duh, you maladjustive maniopath!" look.

The rest of the night dragged on and when everyone sat down to eat Max and Jack went to the beach to see the dragon.

"DRAGON!" cried Max, pointing to poor Eustace.

"Oh, he's sad." cooed Jack.

"And his arm hurts," put in Max.

"Wait, how did we know that?"

"We must be like dragon riders or something," said Max.

"Dragon riders," Jack repeated under her breath. She stepped forward and began gently speaking to Eustace, "Please, don't cry. I mean, oh, your poor arm."

"We'll fix it, like Eustace's splinter, except not the same," said Max. "Because I don't think I have enough bandages to make another sling." Jack and Max both kissed their hands and touched Eustace's arm.

"Oh, he's warm," said Jack, who is almost always cold.

Just then almost the whole crew came to the edge of the beach. They were armed to the teeth and ready for a battle. It looked to the crew that Jack and Max were in a potentially bad situation.

Caspian groaned, "The blasted girls got themselves caught by the dragon."

"But we must save them sire," said Reepicheep, ever the hero.

"Of course, we must," Caspian muttered, his patience running thin.

It didn't take long for the group to form a plan, and Edmund and Reepicheep were marching with a group of men to meet the dragon.

Max and Jack stared at them with disbelief. What on earth were they doing?

Max was looking at the men standing in full armor marching towards them when she felt something grab her. She tried to call out, but a hand muffled any attempt to cry.

A voice hissed, "Quiet."

She obeyed, though she wasn't sure why. Then she realized she was being flung over someone's shoulders, and that someone was Caspian. He began carrying her off, and her senses returned.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she yelled, "LEMEGO! Dysfunctional FOOL!" Max realized they were being carried into the forest.

Jack was screaming, at, her captor, "MR. STUBBLY IF YOU DON'T PUT ME DOWN..."

Max continued screaming at Caspian, till she heard Jack yelling something in Spanish. Now, Jack speaking in Spanish is an amazing thing. If you have ever been in a Spanish class with her you would have heard her mumble at least once "_Dos ninos blancos in mi leche_." and that she wished she was still in French class, and she didn't care that no around there spoke French.

All Max caught was, "_su espada_." Which she knew was a word so she called back, "_SU MADRE TIENE UN ESPADA_."

"NO," cried Jack in frustration, she pointed at the back of Quin's knees and made a swinging action. Max caught on. She wasn't sure how she did, but she did.

Max pulled her sword out and nailed Caspian in the back of the knees with the flat of the sword. Caspian's legs gave way and they tumbled to the ground.

Max jumped up, pointed her sword at Caspian and began yelling, "I DIDN'T NEED TO BE SAVED! YOU NEVER LISTEN! HAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!"

Quin saw his king go down and stopped.

"Hey, Mr. Stubbly, Quin, um could you possibly put me down," said Jack. He did so and she gently smoothed out her dress, and proceeded to stop Max from passing out because of yelling at Caspian.

Jack stood between the rabid Max and the surprised Caspian, I say surprised because Max had snapped, and such a good tempered person snapping is a surprise indeed. Max was yelling about not needing to be saved and the like. All the while Jack calmly told her to calm down, she was being un-Jedi like.

"OH MY FREEKIN LANTA! YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO RESCUE EVERY SKIPPING GIRL IN THE SKIPPING UNIVERSE, YOU DERANGED MEATBALL! You're DUMB, and you STINK! And you're dumb and STUPID! You! You...YOU! JIST JIST, ARG! AND YOU STINK AND YOU'RE STUPID! AND...YOU'RE... DUMB! You MEATBALL!"

Caspian's eyes were as big as a television screen. He shook his head. "I'm sorry, but there was no way you two could have handled a dragon, I wasn't about to leave you two to your death."

Max went silent.

Jack took a deep breath, and turned around to face the King. "My dear King," she said between her teeth, on the verge of losing it herself, "We are NOT damsels in distress and we certainly don't need some snot nosed knight in shining armor to save us."

Caspian wasn't sure how to respond. He look from one of the girls to the other and then over at Quin who was doing his best to stay out of this whole thing.

Max's face softened and she whispered, "Eustace."

"What?" snapped Jack, still peeved.

"Oh, Yoda and all things green, the dragon," Max turned and began running to the beach.

It took Jack a split second to make the connection, gave one last frown to Caspian, and sprinted after her friend. When Jack reached the beach Lucy was speaking.

"Oh look, there's something wrong with its leg. The poor thing--that's probably what it was crying about. Perhaps he came to us to be cured like in Androcles and the lion."

Max, followed closely by Jack, ran over to the poor dragon and said to Lucy, "Please use your cordial to heal him."

Lucy without hesitation ran over to Eustace, and then of course Edmund, Reepicheep, Drinian and Caspian, who had brushed himself off and wasn't about to be left out, came too. Lucy put some drops on the dragon's arm, and the dragon seemed a little more comfortable.

"Look," said Caspian pointing the bracelet, "It is the Lord Octesian's arm-ring."

"Villain," Reepicheep said shrilly (and if it was Mr. Weller Sr. from the Pickwick Papers, he would have said "Willain!") Reepicheep, who is not Mr. Weller Sr. continued. "Have you devoured a Narnian Lord?"

"Don't be silly of course he hasn't," said Jack defending poor Eustace.

"He is under enchantment, he use to be human," explained Max.

"You mean Lord Octesian?" asked Drinian.

"No," Jack said as she looked up on the dragon's face, "Eustace."

Eustace nodded his head and began crying.

"Aw, poor little, er big guy! That's alright! We'll get you back, right as rain!" comforted Max.

Of course they were all very anxious to hear his story, but he couldn't speak. More than once in the days that followed he attempted to write it for them on the sand. But this never succeeded. In the first place Eustace had no idea how to tell a story straight. And for another thing, the muscles and nerves of the dragon claws that he had to use had never learned to write and were not built for writing anyway. As a result he never got nearly to the end before the tide came in and washed away all the writing except the bits he had already trodden on or accidentally swished out with his tail. And all that anyone had seen would be something like this – the dots are for the bits he had smugged out –

I WNET TO SLEE...RAGOS AGRONS I MEAN DRAGONS CAVE CAUSE ITWAS DEAD AND AINING SO HAR...WOKE UP AND COU...GET OFFF MI ARM OH BOTHER...

It was, however, clear to everyone that Eustace's character had been rather improved by becoming a dragon. He was anxious to help, and help he did. He brought timber and animals to camp, and scouted and took people on he back to see the island. Jack and Max immediately claimed him as their own dragon. After all, they were dragon riders. Once Eustace even saved Jack and Max, and here is the story:

Jack looked back at Max who was lagging, and skipping, yes skipping through the field of flowers. Jack rolled her eyes and sat on large rock, crossed her legs and began rubbing her temples. If only Master Rusco could see her Padawan now, skipping through the flower field being about as productive as when they spin around staring at Mr. Taylor's ceiling during Outdoor ED.

"Will you please get your rear in gear and get up here?" Jack called to the hippy dancing Max, "if you want to eat we have to catch something."

Max looked at Jack, as if she were snapping back to reality. She gathered up her skirts, took one step and was down. Max cried out some inaudible words.

"Will you hurry?" Jack cried impatiently.

"MY ANKLE!" Max yelled.

Jack slowly got up and trudged back to the howling Max. Max sat on the ground her foot in the air, shaking it around, like when you sit on your legs and they fall asleep which is nearly what did happen.

"I can't feel it," Max whinged as she pointed to her foot.

Jack gave her the huh-look.

"It's all tingly," Max explained.

"Really?" said Jack her eyes getting large, "Can I poke it?"

"No, you can't poke it!" Max howled, grabbing her foot to protect it.

Jack looked at the area of ground about foot or so away from Max; it was trampled down from Max's frivolity, but wait what is this Max trampled down. Jack bent down and with her dress skirt picked it up. It was a tall thin plant with yellow flowers. The plant was torn up, and its precious juices were exposed.

_"Aconitum lycoctonum,_" said Jack displaying the flower for Max, "Wolfsbane."

(The story is To Be Continued...)

Cliffhanger!

Or...aconitum lycoctonum hanger!


End file.
